Bad Bacon

Whatever you do, DO NOT buy Safeway's store-brand back bacon.
It's not actually Bacon; it's more like fatty ham. It says 17% meat protein, but there's no way the other 83% is actually fat. It sizzles in the pan, but it's got to be mostly water; after six minutes at medium low the pseudo-bacon becomes hot and starts browning, but never achieves anything close to the crispyness or oiliness we commonly associate with this delicacy. If cooked in the microwave on paper towel, the bacon dries up and begins sticking to the paper. (A sure sign of high water content if I've ever seen one.)

Tonight I shall set out once more in search of the elusive überspeck.